Children do grieve

by Lisa Athan

2008

Grief is an expression of love. If a child can love, he or she can grieve. Children are used to having a full range of emotions. Think about a three year old throwing himself on the floor in the grocery store. He is angry and shows the world his feelings. Children know what it is to feel angry, sad, afraid, lonely and confused and have no difficulty expressing it. So why should children experiencing loss through death of a loved one, behave any differently.

Children have different responses to grief based on such things as: their relationship with the person who died, their understanding of death, their developmental level, the circumstances of the death, and the ability of the adults around them to be present, communicate and support them emotionally.

Some children want to talk about their loss all the time, others not at all, and many somewhere in between. Some won't talk about their loss until months or years later. Some children will only remember wonderful things about the person, others may hate them for leaving and abandoning them. Some children sob uncontrollably, while others appear to be without emotion. Some may even laugh and act uncaring. Some will feel guilt as they blame themselves for the death and may get themselves into trouble so that they can be punished. Some will blame others or God, the doctor, the funeral director or family members. Anger is a common emotion in grief. We can listen and help children find healthy outlets for their anger, such as writing, drawing, talking, music, art, exercise, ripping up old phone books, or punching a punching bag.

Children grieve in spurts. They can only be with intense feelings for a short duration before needing distractions or breaks. A child may cry or be angry and then want to go out and play ball and laugh. Children's reactions are all different. Grief does not move through stages nor is there a timetable. Children also don't want people to feel sorry for them or to treat them differently. Children often act out their grief through their behavior more than through words.

Sometimes well meaning adults say unhelpful and hurtful things to grieving children such as, "Be strong. Don't cry. You are now the man of the house. It is time you move on." This only adds to feelings of isolation, lonliness, and even shame within the child.

It is helpful to allow children to cry. Sobbing can even help children express their despair,as they move from shock into realization that their loved one will not be returning. Adults can model healthy grieving and mourning. It is okay to cry in front of children. Many families say the most connected they felt to each other was when they all cried together.

Rabbi Earl Grollman, author of Bereaved Children and Teens wrote," Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity- the price you pay for love." Adults need to companion children on their grief journey's and to grant young people permission and safety to grieve and together find healthy ways to mourn.

Loss is a part of life. We lose relationships, people we love, things, dreams, abilities, trust and more, yet we rarely are formally taught about grief and loss. I am amazed that we don't teach grief and loss in schools, although our children are grieving and sometimes turning to unhealthy means to deal with their grief. I believe that grief underlies many of the current youth issues today.

One of the things I do as a grief educator is to go into classrooms and speak to students about grief and loss. I often hear students say, "finally, a talk about something that we all can relate to. Why don't we talk about things like this more often in school?" I tell them that I wonder too. I know that children in school deal with loss on a daily basis. They lose friends, pets die, have a sibling with autism, have a grandparent with Alzheimer's or struggle with a learning disability. Others may get bullied, rejected, deal with ill family members, addiction in the family or deal with parents' divorce, just to name a few examples.

Students ask me how they can help themselves as well as their friends, siblings, and parents. They want to know what is normal in grief and how does one live through such pain without turning to addictions. They talk about guilt and regret, ask if it is normal to never cry or cry a lot, and wonder if numbness is normal. Others ask me how to help a friend who is in trouble but refuses help, what to say to a friend who has a dying parent, and ask for healthy ways to express feelings like anger and rage.

Many students say that these are great classes because they are relevant and real. One student wrote, "I feel like death and grieving are taboo in our culture. It really helps to hear someone talk about it and how to cope and help a friend." Another wrote, "I think children should take grief classes from the time they are a small child until graduating high school, if not longer."

Grief and loss education would allow children to grow up with useful knowledge, tools, and an emotional vocabulary. Empathy, patience, tolerance and compassion would be units as well as coping skills and healthy mourning. Students would learn about integrating loss, meaning making and growth that often follow loss. Imagine the difference schools could make if grief and loss education was part of the standard curriculum.