Index cards are given to each student

Anonymous questions and comments are read out loud

Students ask about grief

Some share about their own losses

• lack of concentration
• shock, numbness
• avoidance and retreat
• constant thoughts of the loss
• jealousy aimed at those who have what you do not
• anger
• self blame
• confusion and feeling disoriented, feeling in a fog
• nervousness
• irritability
• declining grades (ask a teacher to help you , ask a friend to help too, as this becomes another loss)
• loss of interest in usual activities
• over-activity, acting too busy (to block out pain)
• wanting to be alone a lot
• deep sadness
• drug and/or alcohol use or abuse
• eating too much or too little (eating disorders)
• risk taking behavior (especially when guilt is involved, like in an accident that another teen was involved in)
• self destructive, anti-social or criminal behavior (cutting)
• promiscuity  (often teens tell me they really only wanted someone to hold and comfort them. Be careful now as you are vulnerable)
• thinking about suicide (talk to a trusted adult)
• somatic manifestations of grief (stomach upsets, headaches, fatigue, symptoms similar to the deceased prior symptoms)

Healing looks like:

• reorganizing life, gaining new insights, learning new skills
• feeling peace with the past
• wanting to be alone and quiet (be careful not to isolate)
• increased sense of inner strength and abilty to listen to others
• increased empathy for others' feelings
• reconnection, resiliency and hope for the future

Techniques for Grief Work:

• Try to  identify your feelings
• Teens need to find safe ways to express their feelings
• Write letters and shred them or save them in a notebook.
• Arts and crafts help: finger-paints (really) pounding clay, playing with Play Doh (all my high school students love when I bring in Play Doh for them to play with while I talk to them)
• Song writing and music helps. Many teens tell me they put on sad music or a sad movie to help them let it out.
• Punch a pillow, hit a punching bag, exercise, work out
• Shred paper,  throw bottles at a recycling center into the bin, stomp on paper cups, pop bubble wrap
• Guitar Hero or Rock Band is a great way to vent, plus it keeps your mind focused which is a grief break. You need that now.
• Eat healthy foods and snacks ( it is tempting to live on chocolate and junk, but actually makes you feel worse now)
• Get enough rest and take naps if you can...grief is hard work. Many teens use sleep as a way to cope with grief too.
• Keep a journal. Write down your feelings, thoughts, concerns, fears, and your regrets. You may share them with a trusted adult or not.
• Don't keep your feelings inside, find someone you trust, who won't judge you and who know how to listen. Share with them with or just hang out in their presence. You don't have to tak about it. Every teen should have five safe adults to turn to: parent, neighbor, teacher, coach, clergy person, uncle..
• Try to laugh when you can
• Spend time with friends and family, people who care about you
• Let your friends know what you need. Some teens talk about a loss a lot, others don't want to. 
• Write a letter to God. Say whatever you need to say.
• Visit the cemetery if it makes you feel better.
• Make a memory book, collage, scrap book of memories
• Remember that grief takes time, it is a process not an event.
• Let yourself off the hook. It's common to feel responsible for a loss. If you feel guilty, please talk to a counselor. Guilty, regret and anger can hurt teens if left unexpressed.
• Join a support group: www.good-grief.org  (teen group for kids who have lost a parent or sibling) 908-522-1999

Teens ask what is normal in grief

Teens share their pain