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"I think that one of the most challenging parts of coping with a huge loss is feeling like we are walking in unchartered territory without a map. We feel completey lost. While it can certainly help to be around and speak with those who have walked a similar path, ultimately it is we who need to take the next uncertain step into the unknown and then another ever so gently, patiently, with the smallest amount of trust while breathing as deeply as we can (which isn't often too deeply in the beginning) and slowly make our own way on the trail. One step at a time.
One day we may turn around and look how far we have traveled and be amazed. Perhaps even wondering how we made it through those first days, weeks and months and even years of that difficult journey. And other days it may feel like we have not traveled much at all since the beginning. Grieving is one of the toughest challenges we experience. It takes a lot of courage, patience, self-compassion and kindness.
~ Lisa Athan, Executive Director of Grief Speaks
It is not fair for a child to die. It is not right and it is out of the natural order. Loss of a child is one of the most painful losses imaginable. Since I do encourage support for those who have had any type of loss, I will start by mentioning an international support program, The Compassionate Friends. Their website, which is: www.compassionatefriends.org They are an amazing resource all over the world for families who have lost a child of any age to any circumstance. Meetings, newsletters, conferences and support will be found with Compassionate Friends. Many attend there meetings for a long time and others for a shorter time. Just meeting others who have experienced the loss of a child can be healing. You do not have to talk if you attend a meeting. To find a chapter near you visit there site.
To help someone after a loss of a child:
The following suggestions may help you provide that support:
— Don’t try to find magic words that will take away the pain. There aren’t any. A hug, a touch, and a simple, “I’m so sorry,” offer real comfort and support.
— Don’t be afraid to cry. Your tears are a tribute to both child and parents. Yes, the parents may cry with you, but their tears can be a healthy release.
— Avoid saying, “I know how you feel.” It is very difficult to comprehend the depth of the loss when a child dies, and to say you do may seem presumptuous to the parents.
— Avoid using “It was God’s will” and other clichés that attempt to minimize or explain the death. Don’t try to find something positive in the child’s death, such as, “At least you have other children.” There are no words that make it all right that their child has died.
— Listen! Let them express the anger, the questions, the pain, the disbelief, and the guilt they may be experiencing. Understand that parents often have a need to talk about their child and the circumstances of the death over and over again. It may be helpful to encourage them to talk by asking a gentle question such as, “Can you tell me about it?”
— Avoid judgments of any kind. “You should . . .” or “You shouldn’t . . .” is not appropriate or helpful. Decisions and behaviors related to displaying or removing photographs, reliving the death, idealizing the child, or expressing anger, depression, or guilt may appear extreme in many cases. These behavior patterns are normal, particularly in the first years following the child’s death.
— Be aware that, for parents with religious convictions, their child’s death may raise serious questions about God’s role in this event. Do not presume to offer answers. If the parents raise the issue, it would be better to listen and allow them to explore their own feelings. They will need to arrive at an individual philosophy about this.
— Be there. Run errands, help with household chores, provide child care, and help in whatever way is needed. Don’t say, “Call me if there is anything I can do.” That call will probably never come. Be aware of what needs to be done and offer to do specific tasks.
— Give special attention to surviving children. They are hurt, confused, and often ignored. Don’t assume they are not hurting because they do not express their feelings. Many times siblings will suppress their grief to avoid adding to their parents’ pain. Talk to them and acknowledge their loss.
— Mention the name of the child who has died. Don’t fear that talking about the child will cause the parents additional pain. The opposite is usually true. Using the child’s name lets parents know that they are not alone in remembering their child.
— Be patient. Understand that grieving family members respond differently to their pain. Some verbalize, others may seem unable or unwilling to talk, some withdraw, and others strike out angrily.
— Sharing fond memories of the child through statements such as “I remember when she . . .” or “He had a wonderful gift for . . .” can be reassuring to parents and show that you appreciated their child and are aware of their sense of loss. Relate amusing anecdotes about the child. Don’t be afraid of laughter. It helps to heal the hurt.
— Remember the family on important days such as the child’s birthday and death anniversaries. Send a card, call, or visit. Let them know you remember, too.
— Gently encourage a return to outside activities. Suggest a lunch or movie as relief from the isolation of grief. If your invitation is declined, don’t give up! Ask again and again, if necessary. The third or fourth time you call may be just the day that an outing would be welcome if someone took the initiative.
— There is no standard timetable for recovery. Grief usually lasts far longer than anyone expects. Encourage bereaved families to be patient with themselves. They often hear, “Get on with your life; it’s time you got over this!” Those demands are unfair and unrealistic. When parents express concernabout being tired, depressed, angry, tearful, unable to concentrate, or are unwilling to get back into life’s routines, reassure them that grief work takes time and that they may be expecting too much of themselves too soon.
— Be sensitive to the changes a bereaved family experiences. Family members will adopt new behaviors and roles as they learn to live without the child. This is a painful and lengthy process. Don’t expect your friends to be unchanged by this experience.
— Refer a grieving family to The Compassionate Friends. Many types of support are available, both online (www.compassionatefriends.org) and through the nearly 600 TCF chapters in the United States which are ready to offer friendship, understanding, and hope to bereaved families. Call the TCF National Office toll-free at 877-969-0010 for chapter referral information and to request a no-charge customized bereavement packet.
— Continue your contact with the family. Grief does not end at the funeral or on the first anniversary. Stay in touch often, and in conversation, as easily as you would mention any other member of the family, don’t forget to mention the name of the child who died.
On behalf of all families involved in The Compassionate Friends, we thank you for caring enough to want to help. Your loving concern makes YOU a compassionate friend.
Providing Grief Support After the Death of a Child
"The Compassionate Friends is about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope. It takes people out of the isolation society imposes on the bereaved and lets them express their grief naturally. With the shedding of tears, healing comes. And the newly bereaved get to see people who have survived and are learning to live and love again."
–Simon Stephens, founder of The Compassionate Friends
The following guidelines will help you help the ones you love.
• DO let your friend know you are there for her, in any form she needs. Whether you take her shopping, to a movie, for a long walk, or just have a good long conversation, be her shoulder to cry on.
• DO NOT assume that she wants to be left alone or surrounded by people in her sorrow. Everyone grieves differently, so ask her what she prefers.
• DO let her know when you are reminded of the lost loved one. If the red of a cardinal brings to mind a little boy’s baseball cap, let her know. She’ll appreciate the fact that you have not forgotten him.
• DO NOT assume that she knows how much you miss him or what a hole has been left in your life. Many people, when grieving, come to believe that since the rest of the world still turns their loss has been forgotten.
www.compassionatefriends.org Compassionate Friends
Links to helpful articles on coping with loss of a child:
Comfort: A Journey Through Grief by Ann Hood. A moving and remarkable memoir about the sudden death of a daughter, surviving grief, and learning to love again. Ann Hood's 5 year old daughter Grace died suddenly from a virulent form of strep throat. Stunned and devastated, the family searched for comfort in a time when none seemed possible.
The Worst Loss: How Families Heal From the Loss of a Child by Barbara Rosof
Hannah's Gift by Maria Housden Hannah's Gift tells the story of Hannah Catherine Martell, a young girl who was diagnosed with a Rhabdoid tumor of the kidney, a rare and aggressive form of cancer, at age two and died at age three. The author, Maria Housden, is Hannah's mother, and the book documents her struggle to come to terms with her daughter's sickness and inevitable death while making changes in her own life.
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