Practical Suggestions When Talking with Children about Death
* Be honest; give age appropriate information
* Follow the child's
lead.
* Adults need to answer the hard questions about death for ourselves so
that we can answer the children.
* Allow death to be discussed openly in the home.
* Use
teachable moments (news, pet loss, friend's grandparent died, friend moved away, uncle is ill).
* Do
not be afraid to openly express your emotions in front of your children. This is a way to give the child permission to grieve
as well as being a good role model.
* Listen to your children and answer questions that are asked.
* It is okay to say, "I don't know" or "I don't have that information right now".
* Avoid euphemisms such as "he passed away", "we put the cat to sleep", "we lost him",
"he went on a long journey. These only confuse children. Use the words died and dead.
* It is
okay to discuss your own belief in an after life or heaven but only after you explain to the child that the person died which
means that his or her body stopped working.
* Understand that this first discussion about death will only
be the beginning. Children ask more as they understand more.
* Do not let the child believe that you have
all of the answers.
* Include children in funerals. Give them enough information about the funeral
and all that goes on so that they can make an informed choice. Don't assume they are too young or don't want to go.
Funerals are a good way to teach children about support, rituals and gives them a chance to say goodbye.
* Help children establish a living memory of the person or the animal that has died.
* Children
pick up our non verbal cues and will stop talking if they sense that it upsets us too much to talk about.
* Give children helpful ways to express their feelings. Grief creates a lot of energy in children and
they need to move, pound clay, write, sing, play with puppets, cry, scream, draw to name a few ways. Remember that child's
work is play and that is how most children and teens handle loss.
* Don't assume that because
a child appears "fine" that he is fine and needs no support from an adult. Children often appear to act
like nothing happened and yet are grieving. Children are often called the "forgotten mourner". They are not
too young to grieve.
* If a child can love, he can grieve.
* Children re-grieve as they reach
new developmental stages.
* Grief has no time line and happens over a long period of time. There is
no way to speed it up. Children and teens need adults to have a lot of patience.
* Teens often want a lot
of privacy in their grief. Still, offer yourself from time to time. Let them know you care and are there to listen
or just spend time together.
Never underestimate the power of one adult to change the life of a child.
A basic ingredient in nurturing hope and resilience in
our children is the presence of at least one adult who communicates to a child, through words and actions, "I believe
in you and I will stand by you." Raising Resilient Children by Brooks and Goldstein.
"Research shows that a positive
relationship with an adult who is available to provide support when needed is one of the most critical factors in preventing
student violence...Some children need help overcoming feelings of isolation and support in developing connections to others."
Early Warning, Timely Response: A Guide to Safe Schools
When asked what helped them succeed against all odds, resilient children, youth and adults overwhelmingly
and exclusively gave the credit to members of their extended family, to neighbors and teachers, to mentors and voluntary associations
and church groups. Emmy Werner.