Kids are not
supposed to die. It is against all the rules of nature. It isn't fair. It should not happen. Unfortunately, it does happen
and when it does, it can be scary. Peer relationships often seem more important to teens than family relationships. So the
death of a friend may significantly affect young people in ways that parents, teachers and other adults may not understand.
The death of a friend whom the parent never or seldom met may have very little effect on the parent, but it may have a huge
impact on the teen. When adults dismiss the impact of their teenager's grief it only makes it more complicated and often
leaves the teen alone in his or her grief.
Here are some comments
from other teens after the death of a friend:
"My parents
act like the death of my boyfriend shouldn't matter. They don't understand what he meant to me. We really loved each other.
We could talk about anything and everything. Maybe if my parents had taken the time to get to know him, it would be different.
They didn't want us together. I guess they'll never understand."
"They treated me like a stupid kid. I could tell they weren't telling me everything. They said it
was an accident. I knew it was bigger. Why couldn't they say, 'it was suicide,' and tell me the truth?"
When my friend died, the rest of the world kept going and no one knew what I was going through. No one could understand
the pain I was feeling. I wanted the world to stop and I wanted to just scream out,'Doesn't anyone realize that I am hurt?'
I kept looking at people and thinking, 'You don't have a care, and look at me, one of my friends just died."
"Things will never be the same."
Will I ever feel okay again?
"
I cried hysterically, and then I went numb-kind of like I was watching myself from the outside"
"I can't feel anything. It doesn't feel real."
After a peer dies, teens are confronted
with the realities of death, the possibilities of their own mortalitiy, and feelings of being abandoned by close friends.
Young people often think that they are immune to death. They think that death only happens to old people. When a friend died,
their entire world and beliefs are shaken to the core.
Since teens' relationships are often up and down, on and
off, grief of a friend can be even more complicated. Grief can pull people together or apart. Some teens following the death
of a friend, come together and share their grief while other teens grieve alone or have difficulty sharing their emotions
around their loss. Most teen friendship revolve around fun times and shared activities. Grief is not fun and is hard
work. Sometimes the grief after the death of a friend is even harder as old friends sometimes start to break apart as well
and on top of the death, is the loss of other friends and good times.
Trust is important to teen relationships.
It is important that teens learn the truth about the death of their friend, how, when and where a peer died. Secrets, lies
and half truths, although meant to protect, only create anger and confusion. Teens deserve to know the truth. Teens want their
questions answered with the complete truth. If adults don't have the facts yet, then "I don't know" is the truth.
When young friends die,
sometimes it may be an anticipated death, due to a long term illness, but more often the death is sudden and violent. Sometimes
the death is a suicide. A friend's death through suicide, may be a teens' first introduction to death. These deaths are very
difficult to accept and leave teens wondering 'why' for a long, long time. If this happens a teen has every right to be shaken
up and you will want to find healthy ways to express your grief. Just because the friend is not an immediate family member
doesn't mean that it isn't taken as a great personal loss.
What helps after the death of a teen friend?
- Find a safe and trusted adult to share with
- Talk
to your friends and let them know what you need (to talk about it, not to talk about it, to spend time with you or let you
have some privacy)
- Find helpful vents for your feelings
(exercise, crying, writing in a journal, writing memories to the family, make a memory box or memory book, get involved with
a cause- in the case of a suicide: join www.afsp.org :( American Foundation for Suicide Prevention- Walk out of Darkness
to raise awareness about suicide prevention and to benefit suicide survivors) art, music, nature, yoga, prayer, meditation,
kick boxing, spending time with friends, punching a punching bag, squeezing Play Doh, ripping up old phone books, starting
a support group at school and many other ideas)
- Ask
the family for a keepsake ( a stuffed animal, a shirt, a cd or book, a photo etc helps friends feel close to the person who
died.)
Keep a
journal. Write to the friend who died. Write to the family. Write anything and everything. You can keep it in your journal
or rip it up, shred it, burn it, tie a note to a bio-degradable helium balloon and send it up into the air. Read the letter
to a trusted adult or counselor.
This also helps:
- Attend
the wake, visitation, shiva or funeral if you are able. (Rituals allow us to honor and memorialize someone who has died.
It may be difficult to attend but participating in such an event will help you acknowledge the loss and begin to reconcile
yourself to it).
- There
are 6 Needs of Mourning (Grief is what you think and feel inside. Mourning is expressing your grief. It is
letting it out. Everyone grieves, but only those who mourn can heal and continue to live and love fully again.
1. Accept the reality of the death
2. Let yourself feel the pain of the loss (it is
so much more tempting to avoid, repress, deny or push away the pain of the grief, than it is to confront it. Dose your pain.
Let a little bit out at a time. Writing helps a lot.
3. Remember the person who died (find ways to remember the person)
4. Develop a new self-identity ( the way you and society defines you has changed perhaps)
5. Search for meaning
( it is normal to question the meaning of life and death. Talking to adults about this may help too).
6. Let others help you, now and always (
as a teen it is normal to want to keep adults at a distance. Grief is not an "on your own" kind of task to deal
with. It is the hardest work that anyone ever has to deal with. Talk to adults who care about you, or let them talk to you.
Join a support group, mail your thoughts to a caring adult helps too. Talk to your friends about it too.)
Use
the name of the person who died. (Don't avoid their name. It is good to say it outloud).
Keep a journal
Keep a memento of the person who died
Get plenty of rest, water and exercise
Let go of the myths of grief: Myths
include: get over it, be strong, don't talk about it, tears are weakness, grieve alone)
These myths are not true. They are harmful thoughts that some
adults even believe. Grief is normal and natural. Allow it to come as it comes. No two people grieve in the exact same way.
Talk about it if that helps.
Cry
Laugh
and have fun
Allow
yourself to grieve even if it was expected as in a lengthy illness. We are never really prepared for the death of a loved
one.
Raise money to find
a cure for the disease that took your friend's life.
Find constructive ways to release your anger
Make a Scream Box (see page on making a scream box on home
page of Grief Speaks.com)
Let
your pet comfort you or visit a friend who has a pet.
Volunteer
Do something the person who died liked to do.
Listen to music
Pour yourself into life, "Carpe
diem" Seize the day
Read books that help
Be prepared for 'grief bursts'
: when it hits you suddenly all over again, but not for as long, like if you hear his/her favorite song, see someone that
resembles your friend, smell their favorite cologne or perfume, etc.