Grief Speaks
When Death is Violent
  
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"Those who do not have power over the story that dominates their lives- the power to retell it, rethink it, deconstruct it, joke about it and change it as times change - truly are powerless, because they cannot think new thoughts." 
                                                            - Salman Rushdie
When a loved one dies violently, it shakes you to your roots. It shatters your assumptions that the world is basically safe. You are thrown into a tornado of grief and loss that takes on a life of it's own. People talk of feeling battered, shaken and almost destroyed. Feelings of anger, rage, sorrow, fear, panic, pain and yearning may take over. People tend to isolate themselves yet finding others to share with is so important for healing and surviving.
Kathleen O'Hara's book,  A Grief Like No Other, Surviving the Violent Death of Someone You Love,is  about her college age son, Aaron, who was brutally murdered on Memorial Day, 1999. She offers concrete, practical and compassionate steps for those who are grieving, allowing family and friends safe passage through this harrowing journey.  The violent death may be due to suicide, drug overdose, and death by vehicular homicide and drunk drivers and murder.  A valuable and important read for victim service providers, therapist and all who can only imagine what it must be like to experience traumatic loss.
This grief is different as it  involves the news, media, medical or emergency personnel, police, detectives, coroners, and the legal system.  Dealing with all these kinds of people is never easy.
Chaos, shock, confusion, terror, anger and explosive emotions may overwhelm you. Intrusive questions will have to be answered and insensitive people need to be dealt with. The media may hound you and the police my even accuse you. You may be living with the guilt that you could no nothing to change what has happened.  You have to make decisions you never thought you would have to make. You have to tell the story, even though you may still be in a fog. You may stay awake for days while you wait for ansers that don't seem to come.
There is no warning, no time for good-byes.
You need help. Allow others to help you. : Create a support team. Find someone who you can trust to tell the story or act as your surrogate when you are too tired or need a break.
Ask for help, draw on friends and relatives or even professionals.  You may be surprised by who helps and who does not.
This is a list of somethings a person who has had a traumatic loss needs:
  • comfort, support and a good listener
  • help with food, laundry, errands
  • help making funeral arrangements
  • help with doctor appointments
  • help with phone calls
  • help with getting death certificate, documents
  • help dealing with the person's pets or belongings
  • protection from intrusive people
  • hands on help for babies, small children, disabled persons and elderly parents
  • financial help (hard to accept, but swallow pride and accept it).

How can you help your friend?
  • Just be there for your friend.
  • Listening is the greatest gift of all.
  • Be specific, "do you need groceries?"
  • Don't wait for your friend to call you, show up. Grievers tend to isolate themselves.
  • Tell the person you are available to talk about what happened at any time, and really mean it. Offer your shoulder to cry on.

Try to avoid:

  • Being overly sentimental (loved one is in heaven, happy)
  • Saying it was, "God's will".
  • Telling a bereaved parent that he or she can have more children
  • Telling them that you know what they are going through
  • Asking for details

Please try this:

  • Share a memory of the loved one, or tell the person how much the person cared for the griever.
  • Offer photos or special mementos of the person to the family
  • Immediately send the closest member of the deceased a note of condolence, however brief, written in your own words, rather than just signing an impersonal store bought card. It is very meaningful.
  • Years later most will remember who was there to comfort them and who was not there.

 

 

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